Over the last few years I’ve noticed that, in general, people have somehow forgotten how to use a mall. So, I present this helpful guide to using a mall without irritating every other shopper.
1. Parking
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Before you even enter the mall, it is wise to start your expedition properly. Your big, fancy car most likely has power steering. Use it to avoid parking with your tires on or over the line.
Also, stupidity is not a disability. Neither is laziness. Leave the handicapped parking for those who need it.
2. Elevator use
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Each elevator can only hold a certain number of people. The people who are already inside the elevator when the doors open probably want to exit it. They can’t do this if you are trying to enter before the doors have even opened completely.
If you possess enough common sense to wait for them to exit before you go inside, stretch your brain power just a little more and stand aside so they can actually get past you.
Helpful hint: Pressing the button repeatedly will not make the elevator arrive any sooner.
3. Walking and texting
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If your eyes are glued to your phone instead of observing your surroundings, do not be surprised when you walk into something or someone. Also, stopping dead may result in a trolley mowing your down. Again, this is no one’s fault but your own.
4. Touching other people’s children
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It doesn’t matter how cute or friendly the children in question are. Do. Not. Touch. Them. Ever. If you do, take note that the mom is smiling at you through clenched teeth and will be aware of your exact location as long as you are in the mall.
Also, do not make jokes about stealing the children, especially if the children are old enough to understand your words but have not yet grasped the concept of teasing. Be prepared for a security guard to follow you at the mom’s request for the remainder of your mall visit.
5. Making conversation
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The queue in Woolies is not the place to make friends or score a date. If the person you are trying to engage in conversation has:
a) small children in the trolley,
b) bags under her eyes and unkempt hair,
c) an aura of frazzled-ness about her,
And if she merely grunts in response to you, then stop talking. Look away. Pretend you’ve just received a very important call on your phone. Whatever.
Above all, do not comment that she looks tired, that she must enjoy this age, and that her children are such angels. Sure, they’re behaving now. But the reason she’s frazzled and looks about to snap is because not two minutes earlier the children were screaming for the most expensive and unhealthy cereal on the shelf, the queue is not moving fast enough, everyone needs to pee, and her period is due.
What would you add to the list?
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