Matters of Size, Matricide and Mattresses


Dear Person(s) About to Get Married And Who Intend Having Children At Some Point Ever,


You don’t know me, but I know you. Maybe you’ve been living on your own for years now and have a whole lot of furniture already. Maybe you’re only just leaving your parents’ home and starting from scratch. Building a home together is fun. Putting together your wedding registry – who doesn’t go a little wild with the scanner and add random things? (Why did no one buy the large Beatles print on ours? WHY?)


Maybe you’re going bed shopping and having fun trying out the mattresses, bouncing like a little kid to test the springs. You’re probably trying to picture the bed in your new master bedroom; will the queen fit or do you go for the double?


Trust me on this: go for the queen sized bed. If your bank account and your bedroom space allows for it, go for the king size. You will thank me in the future when, despite whatever declarations you have made about children sleeping in their own beds at all times, your sick threenager creeps into bed with you and slowly inches you off your pillow and over the side. You will appreciate the extra room when your baby ends up co-sleeping because it makes the middle of the night feeding easier or because it’s just too cold to sit next to her cot when you could be warm and comfy in your own bed.

Image credit:

Image credit:


Cuddling is precious, yes, but there are also elbows in your neck and knees in your stomach and pins and needles in your limbs from balancing precariously on the last few centimetres of mattress space while you whisper, “Help!” hopefully loud enough to wake your husband but not loud enough to wake the blanket thief who is apparently trying to commit matricide in her sleep.


Get the bigger bed.


You’re welcome,

Zombie Mom




Talk to me. Seriously. You have no idea how badly I'm craving adult conversation.

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